20060622 - Joke Of The Day: "Not Quite Brokeback Mountain"

An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy
shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to
a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there
sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down
next to him.

After she ordered her drink she turned to
the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real
cowboy?"

"Well, I have spent my whole life on the
ranch herding cows, breaking horses,
mending fences... I guess I am," replied the
cowboy.

After a short while he asked her what she was.

"I've never been on a ranch so I know I'm not
a cowboy," said the young woman, "but I am
a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking
about women. As soon as I get up in the
morning I think of women. When I eat,
shower, watch TV, everything seems to
make me think of women."

A short while later she left and the cowboy
ordered another drink. A couple sat down
next to him and asked, "Are you a real
cowboy?"

"I always thought I was, but I just learned
that I'm a lesbian."

20060320 Joke of the Day: "Language Problems"

There was an Asian lady married to an English
gentleman and they lived in London. The poor
lady was not very proficient in English, but
managed to communicate with her husband.

The real problem arose whenever she had to
shop for groceries. One day, she went to the
butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She
didn't know how to put forward her request,
and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show
her thighs.

The butcher got the message and the lady
went home with pork legs. The next day, she
needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she
didn't know how to say, and so she unbuttoned
her blouse to show the butcher her breast.
The lady got what she wanted.

The third day, the poor lady needed to buy
sausages.

She brought her husband to the store. ...................
so what did she do?
(please scroll page down).
!
!
!
!
!
!

What were you thinking?

HellOOOooooooOOOooo?!
Her husband speaks English!
Now get back to work.

"How Sleazy Are You?"

1. Ever tried alcohol? (1 point)
2. Ever been drunk? (2 points)
3. Ever play drinking games? (2 points)
4. Ever fall down because you drank too much? (3 points)
5. Ever drink enough to throw up? (4 points)
(bonus: Throwing up on another person -- 1 point)
6. Ever wake up and not remember what you did the night before? (5 points)
7. Ever been forcibly removed from a bar? (8 points)
8. Ever participated in/finished a pub crawl? (5 points)
9. Do you drink regularly/ at least 3 times a week? (3 points)
(bonus: 1 point for each additional day --max. 7 points)
10. Ever fall asleep/pass out in a bar? (4 points)
11. Ever laughed at a physically or mentally handicapped person? (2 points)
12. Ever laughed at someone else's misfortune? (1 point)
13. Ever try pot, hash, or magic mushrooms? (4 points for each one tried)
14. Do you do drugs regularly? (4 points)
(bonus: at least 4 times a week -- 4 points)
15. Ever bought "soft" drugs? (4 points)
16. Ever sell drugs? (8 points)
17. Ever sell drugs to support a drug habit? (12 points)
18. Ever used barbiturates? (8 points)
19. Ever used hallucinogens? (8 points)
20. Ever used narcotics? (10 points)
21. Ever been stoned or drunk for more than 48 hours? (8 points)
22. Ever been on a date? (2 points)
23. Ever been felt up or groped? (2 points)
(bonus: to org*sm -- 2 points)
24. Ever had sexual intercourse? (6 points)
(bonus: on first date -- 2 points)
25. Ever had a bath or shower with the opposite sex? (5 points)
26. Ever paid for sex? (8 points)
27. Ever taken advantage of someone while they were stoned or drunk? (4 points)
28. Ever get someone stoned or drunk to obtain sexual favors and succeed? (8 points)
29. Ever engage in oral sex? (4 points)
(bonus: to org*sm -- 2 points)
30. Ever engage in anal sex? (6 points)
(bonus: to org*sm -- 2 points)
31. Ever engage in the 69 position? (4 points)
32. Ever contract an STD (Sexually Transmitted Disease)? (12 points)
33. Ever had sex without a contraceptive? (4 points)
34. Ever had or knowingly been responsible for an abortion? (12 points)
35. Ever had sex with two or more partners in a week? (4 points)
36. Ever had sex with more than one person at a time? (9 points)
37. Ever had sex in a public place? (6 points)
38. Ever had carpet burns as a result of a sexual act? (4 points)
39. Ever engage in sexual activity with a member of the same sex? (10 points)
40. Ever practiced bond*ge, masochism or sadism for sexual gratification? (8 points)
41. Ever used sex toys? (6 points)
42. Ever pass out during sex? (5 points)
43. Ever been responsible for losing someone else's virginity? (4 points)
44. Ever masturbated while talking on the phone? (3 points)
45. Ever bought something in a sex shop? (3 points)
46. Ever licked or had someone lick
An eyeball -- 2 points
Toes -- 1 point
Ears -- 1 point
Anus -- 5 points (add 5 points if you licked YOUR OWN anus)
47. Ever had sex with a relative? (5 points)
48. Ever make someone else sleep in the wet spot? (6 points)
49. Does necrophilia, pedophilia or bestiality turn you on? (20 points)
50. Ever ben arrested? (8 points)
(bonus: If convicted -- 7 points)

http://www.jokedujour.com

20060615 - Joke Of The Day: "Offering"

At church, Joe was in charge of taking up
the offerings. One Sunday after the services,
the priest counted the cash and found it was
smaller than anticipated. So he questioned
Joe. He told him that it did not seem enough
for the size of the congregation. Joe said that
he did not take any of the offering. The priest
again questioned him and again he said that
he did not take any of the offering. So the priest
said "get in the confessional" which Joe did.

Then the priest asked Joe, "Did you take any
of the offering?" and this time Joe said, "I can't
hear you."

Again the priest asked, "Joe did you take any
of the offering?" Again Joe answered, "I can't
hear you."

This time the priest yelled "JOE DID YOU TAKE
ANY OF THE OFFERING?!?"

Again Joe answered, "I can't hear you."

By this time the priest was getting a little angry
so he came out of the confessional and said,
"Joe trade places with me and you can ask me
a question."

So they traded places and Joe asked. "I hear
that you and my wife are having an affair. Is
that true?"

To which the priest answered, "By golly, you
can't hear in here!"



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Tale: THEY'RE MADE OUT OF MEAT

THEY'RE MADE OUT OF MEAT

by Terry Bisson

"They're made out of meat."

"Meat?"

"Meat. They're made out of meat."

"Meat?"

"There's no doubt about it. We picked up several from different parts of the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, and probed them all the way through. They're completely meat."

"That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the stars?"

"They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from them. The signals come from machines."

"So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact."

"They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat made the machines."

"That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me to believe in sentient meat."

"I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. These creatures are the only sentient race in that sector and they're made out of meat."

"Maybe they're like the orfolei. You know, a carbon-based intelligence that goes through a meat stage."

"Nope. They're born meat and they die meat. We studied them for several of their life spans, which didn't take long. Do you have any idea what's the life span of meat?"

"Spare me. Okay, maybe they're only part meat. You know, like the weddilei. A meat head with an electron plasma brain inside."

"Nope. We thought of that, since they do have meat heads, like the weddilei. But I told you, we probed them. They're meat all the way through."

"No brain?"

"Oh, there's a brain all right. It's just that the brain is made out of meat! That's what I've been trying to tell you."

"So ... what does the thinking?"

"You're not understanding, are you? You're refusing to deal with what I'm telling you. The brain does the thinking. The meat."

"Thinking meat! You're asking me to believe in thinking meat!"

"Yes, thinking meat! Conscious meat! Loving meat. Dreaming meat. The meat is the whole deal! Are you beginning to get the picture or do I have to start all over?"

"Omigod. You're serious then. They're made out of meat."

"Thank you. Finally. Yes. They are indeed made out of meat. And they've been trying to get in touch with us for almost a hundred of their years."

"Omigod. So what does this meat have in mind?"

"First it wants to talk to us. Then I imagine it wants to explore the Universe, contact other sentiences, swap ideas and information. The usual."

"We're supposed to talk to meat."

"That's the idea. That's the message they're sending out by radio. 'Hello. Anyone out there. Anybody home.' That sort of thing."

"They actually do talk, then. They use words, ideas, concepts?"
"Oh, yes. Except they do it with meat."

"I thought you just told me they used radio."

"They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You know how when you slap or flap meat, it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through their meat."

"Omigod. Singing meat. This is altogether too much. So what do you advise?"

"Officially or unofficially?"

"Both."

"Officially, we are required to contact, welcome and log in any and all sentient races or multibeings in this quadrant of the Universe, without prejudice, fear or favor. Unofficially, I advise that we erase the records and forget the whole thing."

"I was hoping you would say that."

"It seems harsh, but there is a limit. Do we really want to make contact with meat?"

"I agree one hundred percent. What's there to say? 'Hello, meat. How's it going?' But will this work? How many planets are we dealing with here?"

"Just one. They can travel to other planets in special meat containers, but they can't live on them. And being meat, they can only travel through C space. Which limits them to the speed of light and makes the possibility of their ever making contact pretty slim. Infinitesimal, in fact."

"So we just pretend there's no one home in the Universe."

"That's it."

"Cruel. But you said it yourself, who wants to meet meat? And the ones who have been aboard our vessels, the ones you probed? You're sure they won't remember?"

"They'll be considered crackpots if they do. We went into their heads and smoothed out their meat so that we're just a dream to them."

"A dream to meat! How strangely appropriate, that we should be meat's dream."

"And we marked the entire sector unoccupied."

"Good. Agreed, officially and unofficially. Case closed. Any others? Anyone interesting on that side of the galaxy?"

"Yes, a rather shy but sweet hydrogen core cluster intelligence in a class nine star in G445 zone. Was in contact two galactic rotations ago, wants to be friendly again."

"They always come around."

"And why not? Imagine how unbearably, how unutterably cold the Universe would be if one were all alone ..."

the end

THEY'RE MADE OUT OF MEAT, by Terry Bisson