"New Apple Technology"

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants. The iBreast will cost $499 with 4 GB of memory or $599 with 8 GB.


This is a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them!


---Bonus:


"Don't Kick The Cat!"


A little boy came down to breakfast one day. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.


"Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.


Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.


He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon?" Why don't I have any milk in my cereal, he asks?


"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning."


Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen.


The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"


---BONUS 2


"It Could Have Been Worse"


There was an old country sheriff who always said, "It could have been worse." No matter what happened, the old sheriff always had the same answer: "It could have been worse."


One day, two deputies in the Sheriff's Office answered an emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked in, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death.


When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side.


"No doubt about it," one deputy said to the other. "This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."


"You're right," the other deputy replied. "Double murder and suicide. But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here he's going to say 'it could have been worse."


"No way. How could it be worse? There are three people in the house, and all of them have been shot to death. It couldn't be worse. You're on."


About that time, the old sheriff arrived at the scene. He walked into the bedroom and saw the two nude bodies. He then walked into the living room and saw the man on the floor with the gun by his side. "No doubt about it," the sheriff said, shaking his head. "It was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."


After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies squarely in the eyes. "But, you know," he said, "it could have been worse."


The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, "Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this farmhouse, and all three of them are dead. It couldn't have been worse?!?"


"Yes it could," the sheriff retorted. "You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me in there in that bed!"